Dear Riot Sir,
I am sexually and emotionally frustrated. I have been with my husband for ten years and legally married for 5. I understand there being a cooling off period after so long but it is not just that. I am VERY kinky and although he tries he is just not kinky like I am. Every time we have sex he wants just have sex. He tries to be kinky but it feels rehearsed. The kink is getting less and less. I am at my wits end.
Dear Wits End,
OK, a couple issues here we need to unpack.
Length of time with someone is in no way a basis to judge the quality of the relationship. Do not stay in a unhealthy relationship just because you have been together for a long time. No one should have to feel like they need to be unhappy because you have been together for X years. You are not going to get a toaster or any other prize for doing so. Just a lot of years wasted on being unhappy when you could have been doing something else.
If you are at the impasse I hear you describing to me, you have a few options:
1.Leave a.k.a. start over
This one scares the crap out of people because society has giving everyone low self esteem. We hate the idea of dating and having to start over. If this is your choice know that it will be hard and a challenge. BUT this choice has at least the possibility of happiness.
2.Open the relationship
This one can be a healthy option. In kink, it is hard for one Dom to be all things for one person so making S&M and poly an option can save your relationship. IF you are honest with your partners because at this point you have more than one. If you go this route, I suggest you read “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
Notice an option missing? It is on purpose. I do not recommend you keep things how they are. You can not change people. It is not fair to stay unhappy and try to make him kinky for you same as it is not ok for him to expect you to be vanilla for him. It is abusive and ultimately if you do not address it the relationship is going to implode anyway. Love is all about understanding your partner and S&M in my opinion even more so.
Unpopular opinion but I am going to say it anyway. There are two types of people into kink. Those who pick it up because they are bored or read 50 Shades of Stupid and then there are those WHO FUCKING NEED IT. It is wired into their core and sex without it is flat and empty and completely unsatisfying. For those who NEED it, like you obviously do my brother, let me paint for you a picture.
submission is the art of release:
The Sub releases desire though kink. The sub gives into their need. By doing so, they get the rush they crave and it puts that need to rest.
Domination is the art of Restraint:
The Dom restrains themselves from going too far past the sub’s limits. The Dom restrains their inner beast from completely destroying their submissive who is trusting them. They, in turn, trust their sub to not judge them for having an inner beast.
If that level of NEED, trust, and connection are not there, you can’t force it to be.
Peace and Bootgrease,
Each month in this space will either be advice from yours truly or a rant filled musing filled with leather history and topics NOBODY talks about. So strap in and strap on because this Sir is about to take you for a ride. Ask me ANYTHING at firstname.lastname@example.org.